Friday, May 20, 2011

Portal -- Worst game ever.

There's a game I've recently played, that many people enjoyed. It's called Portal. I call it the worst game ever made, or damn close to it. While many morons may suddenly clamor in defense of the game, I don't understand why. There's no challenge, just puzzles, except...there are no puzzles, just chores. You look at the room and you know what to do. Throw down a few portals and you go to the next room. There's not plot, at all. There's a robot that say a few words to you, that somehow impresses a bunch of morons. I think the entire dialogue of the game, typed out, would be about a page, maybe two if you use a very large font. The one and only interesting part of the game is that the portal gun is a neat concept, but that's it as far as game play goes. At no point in the game do you even slow down to consider the way to solve the puzzle in front of you, it's blatantly obvious every single time. It's as challenging as matching wooden blocks to holes with the proper shape. The closest thing to a challenge is you misaligned a portal by a foot and miss your intended mark. How difficult.

No plot. No story. No challenge. Nothing. You run around doing silly little chores for about two hours, or a bit less. The best thing in the game is the song that rolls at the credits. Sorry. I mean the only thing that isn't complete shit about the game is the song that rolls at the credits. I'll end now, because I'll just repeat myself in a frothing rage about how terrible this shit is. I would have rather spent two hours watching Battlefield Earth. Seriously.

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